Friday, June 8, 2012

Wal-Mart Evicts Squatters

Albany – United States.  It was 19th of August 1987 when Pluto Caddigan first stepped into his local Wal-Mart store, incidentally the largest Wal-Mart in the world. But it was only yesterday that he made his way out of the store; 25 years later.
Pluto Caddigan was first arrested on Thursday evening by  an experienced Wal-Mart security officer “I saw him in the deli area scuffing down those large German sausages we just started to stock last week and thought to myself: I wouldn’t mind having some of those boys but I firstly need to arrest the bastard”
Pluto was then taken to the inquisition & perquesition room where officers proceeded with the customary interrogate and full cavity search. What followed is something that few were prepared to believe.
How many more squatters are there?


“When I first entered the store in 1987” Pluto said to an NBC interviewer “ it was to buy toilet paper and a few porn mags; I ended up sitting on one those super-luxury beds on display at the time in the furniture section and before I knew it I fell asleep. When I got up, I felt strangely at home; went to have breakfast at the coffee shop, then started to walk around the store. Before I knew it, it was dinner time, I was eating a couple of hot dogs and there I was back on my super-comfy bed”. Pluto left his wife and 3 children at home. “Back home, I had nothing good waiting for me: an overweight wife on a strict testosterone diet, 3 overweight children and an awful job at the local auto-plant; the more days passed, the more not getting out felt like the right thing to do“. Extraordinary, no missing person report was ever filed and Pluto kept living his own Wal-Mart life.
“The store is so big that is difficult to monitor it, it’s like a city. I knew where the cameras were and I simply avoided them; over the years, I befriended employees, managers, customers you name it - I even got married with an Ecuadorian cleaning lady in the wedding section ; the things I know about Wal-Mart, few can imagine: at least 3 kids are conceived here every a day, for some reasons mostly in the cheese section”.
Over the years, it has been calculated that Pluto costed Wal-Mart's shareholders a total of $1.5 million “When you leave in a store like this for as long as I did, you get bored with the same old food – and you want to eat well after exercising in the gym section. Of course, I did not dine with caviar every night, but whenever possible, I did eat well ...and champagne has always been my passion, on Sunday I would have it for breakfast”
Chances are that Pluto will continue to drink champagne though as Warner Bros is closing in on a multi-million TV series about his own Wal-Mart life.

3 comments:

  1. There is no way a person would even make it through one night in a department store. Even if you hid after the store closed, the security system would be triggered after detecting your movements.

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  2. It's open 24hrs, so it's possible.

    ReplyDelete